Week 6…Transitions in marriage

Who knew that this was even a thing?  I guess I did, I just didn't know what to call it! The transition to marriage is something that is very important to get right!  Some couples find it smoother than others. I am sure that some of the things that I learned and read about this week would have been very useful to me 25 years ago!  Wow, hindsight is amazing!

Something that I found interesting is ENRICH, an instrument used to assess a marital relationship. Lavee and Olson developed nine dimensions of a relationship in which couples could measure their marital strength.  These dimensions consider the strength of satisfaction with the partner’s:

•      Personality traits and habits
•      Amount and kind of communication 
•      The way conflict is handled
•      How finances are managed
•     The amount and kind of leisure activities
•      Sex
•       Children and parenting issues
•      Relationships with family and friends
•      The role of religion in the couple’s life

I found it very enlightening to look at my marriage and marriage in general, in terms of these dimensions.  We all know that we have strengths and weaknesses in our marriage. However, to be able to break it down like this made me think about what areas we can improve in, more specifically.  I firmly believe that it is necessary to be specific when setting goals and what better to set goals to improve than our marriages?

Week 5...Preparing for Marriage

This week we talked about preparing for marriage.  In other words, DATING!  This is something that is a hot topic at my house right now.  With two college age men living in my basement, my two sons, we have a lot of discussions about dating.  What is it exactly? What does it mean to date someone? How long do you “date” before you become exclusive?

One of the ideas that was expressed in class that I really liked, was about what constitutes a date.  It was mentioned that Elder Oaks defined a date as being “Planned, Paired off and Paid for”.  I agree that this is what an official date looks like.  We talked about what each of these mean.  I especially like the idea that “paid for” does not necessarily mean that it has to cost money.  Paid for can mean that the date was paid for with an investment of time and effort in planning. (However, I would caution that in the case of younger youth, to be a date it doesn't necessarily need all of these. If my 14 year old participated in an activity that was planned and paired off but not paid for, I would tell him it was a date!)

I also liked the thought about how these three “P’s” correlate to the three p’s from the proclamation concerning the roles of men. Preside, Protect and Provide.

Planned-------------------Preside

Paired off-----------------Protect

Paid for--------------------Provide

Another concept we talked about was that of attachment.  We used a metaphor of tape in comparing it to attachments in dating. If you place tape on a surface and then rip it off and do that over and over again, it eventually loses it’s stickiness, or its ability to attach.  The same goes for dating.  If a person gets attached and then breaks off relationships too many times it can reduce their ability to attach in the future.  This is something that I think young people need to be cautious of.  I see a lot of our youth getting into relationships and making commitments or attachments very quickly, before they know each other very well. This can be worrisome if it is done over and over and they find it harder and harder to commit in the future.

Week 4...Gender and Family Life

This week our topic of discussion was gender and family life.  We discussed a lot about the differences between men and women. Studies show that in general, women more nurturing, sensitive, emotionally expressive, cooperative, verbal and relationship oriented.  Men, on the other hand, seem to have their strengths in protecting, disciplining, being physically expressive (often referred to as aggressive), competitive and being task oriented.  We all know that these are just generalizations and that no one profile fits every man or woman.  I personally see many of these male characteristics in myself and other female friends. Similarly, I have male friends and family who exhibit many of the female attributes. This is a great thing! I think it is what makes us all individuals.

However, I know that these generalities exist for a reason and that is, that God made men and women different and He did so for a reason! As we know from “The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” “Gender is an essential characteristic of individual pre-mortal, mortal and eternal identity and purpose.” Our Heavenly Father gave us a gender for a PURPOSE! This purpose is to create families, the fundamental unit of society! Elder David A. Bednar said, “ The nature of male and female spirits complete and perfect each other, and therefore men and women are intended to progress together toward exaltation.” I love his!  This is how heavenly Father planned for us to progress, together, male and female, with the strengths of each supporting and guiding the family to exaltation!

I am so grateful that we have a loving Heavenly Father that guides us and gives us direction so that we are not “tossed to and fro, and carried with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive.” (Ephesians 4:14)

Culture and class

This week I investigated social class and cultural diversity and what affects these have on the family.  I know that I have led a pretty sheltered life.  I grew up along the Wasatch front in Utah and then moved to Rexburg Idaho after my first child was born.  I have not experienced a lot of cultural diversity.  Even with some of my travels, my exposure was on a different level.  I have never lived with people of a different culture or class other than my own.  I have had some interaction with people, friends and family of different classes and cultures but only on a limited, short term basis. 

As part of the preparation for class this week we watched a series of videos titled, “People Like Us”, that explores different classes of people in the US.  It is interesting that in our country, people don't like to admit that there are different classes but there are!  As I watched these short videos I had a few thoughts.  First, I believe that the gospel is something that can act, to some degree, as an equalizer when it comes to class. No the gospel cannot not get a poor man with no pedigree into a certain country club. However, in the gospel, all are children of our Heavenly Father. All are able to make and keep the same covenants.  In addition, having the gospel provides help and support to those who may be struggling and helps instill values and gives guidance to those with excess. The people I have had interaction with that are from what some would call the elite social classes were members of the Church.  These people where loving and accepting of all they came in contact with.  They are some of the most humble and generous people I know.  In the same vein, those that I know from the lower socio-economic classes were also members of the church.  They too were humble and did not expect or even want pity or special treatment. They are hard workers who are happy with what they have.  I think both ends of the spectrum are able be happy and content because they see everything they have as a blessing from God and not as something they are entitled to. Elder Oaks called this a “gospel culture”. He said, “members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have what we call a gospel culture. It is a distinctive way of life, a set of values and expectations and practices common to all members. This gospel culture comes from the plan of salvation, the commandments of God, and the teachings of the living prophets. It guides us in the way we raise our families and live our individual lives.”

The second thought I had ties right into the first.  In the news of late we see a lot that is contentious and depressing.  We hear reports on things such as immigration, civil rights, gun control and white privilege. All of these issues are tied to and affected by class and culture. Most of these issues have strong support and emotions on both sides. However, I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ can give direction and possible solutions to these problems.  Maybe there will still be suffering and a difference of opinion, but, if we all looked at each other as children of God and treated each other as such, things would be better.  Of course, we all have agency and not all will choose to treat others with compassion and dignity. By sharing the gospel and the truth that we are all brothers and sisters we can make a difference!

Week 2...Family Dynamics and Theories

This week we did some reading on some of the theories for explaining family life. I have to say that it is a good thing there are so many different theories because family life is very complicated—especially considering we have already discussed so many different aspects and make-ups of families.  No one theory could possibly explain all families.  In addition some theories may make a lot of sense for one family but not help in any way another, based on the family make up. I really loved some of the ideas that I got from considering these theories with my own family. By understanding a little bit about Exchange Theory, which is the idea that we all attempt to keep our cost lower than our rewards in interaction, or understanding a something about Symbolic Interaction, where humans are viewed as primarily cognitive creatures who are influenced by their interaction experiences, I have been able to consider new ways of looking at my own family relationships.  I would like to read and study more on each of the different theories because the information we got was pretty general.  I am sure that this is an area that could really peak my interest!