Week 11...Parenting

This week we focused on Parenting.  This is a topic that hits very close to home for me.  With five children and two of them adults I have had a lot of experience in parenting.  However, the more I study about it the more I find that I want to know and improve.  I have also found that each of my children are so different form the others that I need to very flexible in my parenting style and techniques.  What worked for my first-born didn't have as much effect on my second.  And the things that I thought I had learned with my first two are being tested with my third!

We talked about three main styles of parenting. These are: Autocratic or dictator, Permissive or doormat style and the Authoritative or active style.  The first, Autocratic, limits freedom and increases stress between the parent and child.  The second, Permissive, allows freedom without limits. With this style nobody wins. The third style, Authoritative, focuses on freedom within limits and as children mature, freedom with in expanding limits.  This third style is the one that is most productive and beneficial for a healthy relationship, especially as children move into the teen years.

Another idea that I really liked was that of defining the five goals of teen behavior.  There are five main goals that teens have to be fulfilled and content.  These are belonging, power, protection, withdrawal, and challenge. Parents can play a big part in making sure their teens are able to reach these goals and reap the benefits from that.  To foster belonging, parents can offer contact freely and teach children to contribute to the family, home and the community.  To instill a healthy feeling of power, parents need to offer choices and consequences and follow through with those consequences. Protection is important so that teens don't learn to seek revenge.  Parents need to help children to learn assertiveness and forgiveness. The fourth goal is withdrawal or the ability to step back and take a break from something and then continue on.  By teaching children to work hard then take a break or to stop and consider things and refocus when they come up against a difficult situation, teens will learn to not get overwhelmed, turning to avoidance techniques that rob them of satisfaction.  The final goal is challenge. By teaching children new skills, parents can give children healthy challenges that are appropriate and help them fulfill this need without thrill seeking or inappropriate risk taking.

Week 10...Stay at Home Mom

I read an article by Dennis Prager this week called, “Does a Full-time Homemaker Swap her Mind For a Mop,” in which he discuses the potential women have to continue to be educated once they choose to stay at home and raise children. This was interesting to me because I have been a Stay-at-Home mother for 22 years.  By being home, I feel that I have had many more opportunities to broaden my horizons than I would have if I had been employed outside the home.  By being home, I have had the ability to read much more than I ever did when I was working or going to school.  I am a member of a book club in which many of the members of my club hold master’s degrees and even a few PhD’s.  I am one of the few without at least a bachelor’s degree. ( Soon to be remedied!)  We read wonderful books, some classic literature, some self-help and others that are focused on current events and issues.  I feel that reading for and attending book club each month has been a tremendous opportunity for me to expand my knowledge and understanding of the world around me, history, and literature. If I had been working outside the home I doubt I would have had the opportunity to read as much as I have in the last 16 years.

As well, I have gained a lot of experience through opportunities I have had by volunteering at my children’s school and serving in my church callings.  I served as the Secretary/Treasurer for our Elementary school PTO for 5 years. Both of these experiences would not have been possible if I had been in the work force.  I believe that the most important work I can do is in my own home.  However, by being educated and informed, I offer my children a better mother. By being involved in activities in which I grow and serve, they get a happier mother.

If you would like to read this article follow this link.

Week 9...Communication and Problem Solving

This week we talked a lot about communication and the effect it has on our relationships.  One of the ideas that I really liked was that “you can never NOT communicate”.  I feel that this is absolutely true. We communicate in many ways.  Verbal or words, as well as non-verbal and the tone we use.  Each of these adds to the overall message that we send and how it is decoded and understood.  We talked about one study that found that 14% of the message we get comes from the words that are used, 35% from the tone and that 51% of the message is portrayed through non-verbal communication. This to me was an ah-ha moment!  This helps me to understand how important my non-verbal expressions and the tone of my voice are. I can see how this has played into communication break downs in my own life and I think that if I make a concerted effort to be aware of this in the future I can make progress in some of my relationship’s communications.

Another topic that we discussed was that of problem solving and decision-making.  This is something that we all do but that we may not necessarily be aware of how we do it.  We discussed the decision-making and problem solving process that the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve use in their weekly meetings and how we can follow their example in our own decision-making efforts.  Some of the steps that they use that are important include meeting at a sacred place and time, expressing love an appreciation prior to the meeting, and starting with prayer. Next they discuss matters to the point of consensus and with the Lords will as the ultimate end goal.  I feel that these are steps that are very important for each of us in our own problem solving ventures. I really like the idea that they set aside a specific time to make these decisions.  Often in our own lives we make decisions or solve problems in the heat of the moment.  We may feel that something needs to be decided NOW, when really the only purpose of making a quick decision is to get it off our minds or have it “out of the way”. At times I have found that if I were a bit more patient and took time to come back to a problem after I had stepped away from it for a while, I may have made a different and often better decision.

Week 8...Family in Crisis

Crises will come to all families.  We all like to think it won’t or at least hope it won’t, but it is inevitable. Some families will have bigger crises than others. However, the way a family copes with crisis will determine the outcome. The way a family uses their resources and how they react to a crisis will determine how they define an event. One family can have a crisis that many would think unbearable and come out stronger and closer because of it.  However, another family could be faced with a less severe crisis and have their family come apart over it.  It all depends on how they cope.

In order to explain what it means to cope, we can use a simple tool called a coping saw.  This small saw is used to cut out details in a piece of wood that will make one piece fit into another piece seamlessly. Coping can be defined as making pre-planned adjustments so that things will fit under pressure.  When the pressure is on, or we can call it a crisis, having the proper coping tools will help our families make adjustments so that we can fit properly into the new situation.

Another interesting way to look at crisis is to look at it as a challenge that requires decisions. The Chinese word for crisis is made up of two characters, the character for Danger and the character for Opportunity.  I thought this was a marvelous way to consider a crisis, as a dangerous situation that gives opportunity!

Week 7…. Intimacy and Family Life

Our discussions this week focused on Sexual intimacy and fidelity.  Both topics are ones that I felt fairly sure of and comfortable with.  I do not feel any need to elaborate on these in my blog.  However one thing that seemed to become clearer to me this week was something that we have talked about each week since the beginning of the semester.  That is of family systems and boundaries.  We have studied and talked about this a lot but I really liked the analogy of the picket fence, especially as it relates to the boundaries of the husband and wife relationship. 

A picket fence has a very specific design. It is clean, white draws a clear line yet is still open to others.  This type of fence has a clear understanding of where to enter and exit the yard that it is around.  The actual design of a common picket fence has pointed tops on the pickets, which make it very uncomfortable to sit on.  This makes so much sense that this type of fence would be used to symbolize the boundaries of a marriage. There is no “sitting on the fence” when it comes to boundaries in a marriage. We need to be on one side or the other when it comes to knowing when to allow others in or not.  It is important to have this kind of fence around our marriage so that we can have the interaction with others, including our children and extended families but also know when to keep things between husband and wife. 

Week 6…Transitions in marriage

Who knew that this was even a thing?  I guess I did, I just didn't know what to call it! The transition to marriage is something that is very important to get right!  Some couples find it smoother than others. I am sure that some of the things that I learned and read about this week would have been very useful to me 25 years ago!  Wow, hindsight is amazing!

Something that I found interesting is ENRICH, an instrument used to assess a marital relationship. Lavee and Olson developed nine dimensions of a relationship in which couples could measure their marital strength.  These dimensions consider the strength of satisfaction with the partner’s:

•      Personality traits and habits
•      Amount and kind of communication 
•      The way conflict is handled
•      How finances are managed
•     The amount and kind of leisure activities
•      Sex
•       Children and parenting issues
•      Relationships with family and friends
•      The role of religion in the couple’s life

I found it very enlightening to look at my marriage and marriage in general, in terms of these dimensions.  We all know that we have strengths and weaknesses in our marriage. However, to be able to break it down like this made me think about what areas we can improve in, more specifically.  I firmly believe that it is necessary to be specific when setting goals and what better to set goals to improve than our marriages?

Week 5...Preparing for Marriage

This week we talked about preparing for marriage.  In other words, DATING!  This is something that is a hot topic at my house right now.  With two college age men living in my basement, my two sons, we have a lot of discussions about dating.  What is it exactly? What does it mean to date someone? How long do you “date” before you become exclusive?

One of the ideas that was expressed in class that I really liked, was about what constitutes a date.  It was mentioned that Elder Oaks defined a date as being “Planned, Paired off and Paid for”.  I agree that this is what an official date looks like.  We talked about what each of these mean.  I especially like the idea that “paid for” does not necessarily mean that it has to cost money.  Paid for can mean that the date was paid for with an investment of time and effort in planning. (However, I would caution that in the case of younger youth, to be a date it doesn't necessarily need all of these. If my 14 year old participated in an activity that was planned and paired off but not paid for, I would tell him it was a date!)

I also liked the thought about how these three “P’s” correlate to the three p’s from the proclamation concerning the roles of men. Preside, Protect and Provide.

Planned-------------------Preside

Paired off-----------------Protect

Paid for--------------------Provide

Another concept we talked about was that of attachment.  We used a metaphor of tape in comparing it to attachments in dating. If you place tape on a surface and then rip it off and do that over and over again, it eventually loses it’s stickiness, or its ability to attach.  The same goes for dating.  If a person gets attached and then breaks off relationships too many times it can reduce their ability to attach in the future.  This is something that I think young people need to be cautious of.  I see a lot of our youth getting into relationships and making commitments or attachments very quickly, before they know each other very well. This can be worrisome if it is done over and over and they find it harder and harder to commit in the future.